question o question

so i went shopping today and to even out my actions today i wanted to do something good. something for someone else, i thought about contineuing to help a friend with her homeschooling work. then i thought about that conversation ... me asking her if she needed anymore help and i wouldn't take the money i would just do it bc i didnt have anything to do but wanted to do something. then i thought about how that sounded. it almost sounded a bit pathetic.
when did it get this way when did a favor seem pathetic. when did a favor sound like desperation.
i dont know it may just me but sometimes when i say i will do something for someone or when i decide to help someone out i alway find myself second guessing myself
another example is when a friend is drunk i decided to take care of him. it was really just becuase he couldnt take care of himself at that moment didnt last long no big deal never spoken about afterwards and i didnt expect it to be. but while he was stiill drunk he kept saying he was sorry and then look really confused when i said its fine and i dont mind. his face was so confused. when did we start getting confused by kindness. hes not the only one i am to when someone does something nice i automatically think it has an alternative motive.
i dont always feel like its an alternative motive but jsut strange and very out of the ordinary. like Gentlemanly, if someone act like a gentleman like opening the cardoor i might say some extremly rude comment like "are you serious" and it will just slip out totally unintentionally but becuase its so out of the ordinary and throws me for a loop. and afterwards i felt so bad plus i just thought it was so cool that Gentlemanly still exsist in some.

theres a rant for ya!

a not so selfportrait

history our savior

Lisa Gross

History, Our Savior


Manipulation is the key to many peoples life. Without manipulations life wouldn’t be so fluffy. Without manipulation how would stories hold the test of time? How would religion spread from era to era? How would families stay strong if it weren’t for the small encouragement of manipulation? One can choose to believe and learn from history or not. By learning from history one can change their future actions accordingly. On the other hand one can choose to understand its history, plain and simple then forget about it. Forgetting the past may seem to be the only option. Forgetting the past may ease the pain temporally but in the end the past may be the only thing that can save you. This can hold true for every situation, say an epic love story, a struggle to keep a family together or a struggle to keep your own identity.

In love there is no justice. Their eyes meet across the room and from that day on they will have a constant pain. A constant ache of the final puzzle piece to their existence, as they know it. Tomorrow you can wake and she’ll be gone only because your voice rose during your last discussion. For instance in the film Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind the main character, Joel reacts immediately to meeting Clementine with a need to distance him. This fear comes from a place that you can only dream of getting rid on you’ve been in past relationship before and this scar of those who have left leave a deep scab. An easy healing process to such an experience could be to just forget it. Any living human can tell you this just wont work. One can only lie to them for so long. Admitting to yourself that heartaches will happen and will map out the next move of your life is the only way to heal that scab.
When one is asked about heartache this first thing that comes to mind is a cheesy pop artist winning because as painful as it maybe its easier to deal with then being hurt by ones own blood line. Family is ones strongest connection to the world regardless of the relationship on the surface. History can mold a family; history can cause a family to stay together just because theses stories have told them to stay together for all time. Fighting that history is an easy way to get away from the pain. The only thing to do is to hold on to that pain a little tighter and realize where that coming from. That pain will set you for the rest of ones life. Whether the people who watch one separate from ones history call you a “rotten fruit” like in Still Life For Rice or a free spirit which may be easier to take in, it’ll still hit with the same sharp dagger of regret. Regret that you didn’t hold on tight to that branch of your family tree. For example, in Still Life Of Rice Helie Lee tries her hardest to undo the distance she has created between herself and her family, her original culture and history. She chooses to relive her grandmother’s story in order to make up for lost time. Through her grandmother’s stories Helie is able to learn how ones past makes them the strong person you may or may not look up to. Ones history if the foundation to any life and that history is only found weaved into and in between your family’s web.

There’s always just the individual who is greatly affected by their history. It cans kind of take over for a while if you let it. I know for my point of view I was adopted and off and on that will shake my world. I was adopted into a very religious family who believe very strongly in their history and my connection is purely formed by my families love for the religion and history that comes along with it. None of my connections really felt solid or genuine. That is until I finally decided to take it upon myself and learn as much as I could from those who I originally came from. So far I only know that I come from an Irish, Scottish and German background. Beyond that I don’t know many specifics about my original parent but through my geographical background I can understand my light skin and love for winter. Little by little I will find out more and be able to connect it to my life now the life I was given after my adoption. Through these little details of my origin I can have a firmer understand of why I am where I am. My history is constantly coming together for me and making me feel more and more comfortable with every step I make.

everyone wants different toppings

"aw really so what the final verdict... how do u feel about the states now?"
"the same
i like here...but my life is better there
but it was a crazy ass trip
ive done so much and meet so many plp..."
9:20 PM
"but i feel that the best thing about america is money"
"hehehe"
"u pretty much can have anything u want...
but its not health for yr mind
healthy*



i had this conversation witha guy i met from brazil
i always find it interesting to hear other peoples view on america bc it can go so many didffernt ways for everyone.

another friend of mine moved here from ethiopia and i was always so taken-a-back by the way he appresiated school. he would get up from his seat or just mumble under his breathe how disrespectful we were all being and how fortunate we all are to have all this education at our finger tips.

just a lil tidbit

shoes

attempting to draw a shoe

Defending till the end

I'm not a hypocrite.
I truly will defend those closest to me till the end
I understand why u may be frustrated with them but that doesn't mean that they aren't still a huge part f my life.
there only a few people out there that I truly trust with all my life and I love those who I trust unconditional.
this mean even if they do screw or don't know how to conduct themselves in situation.
I try to talk to them and with my love I will l try to help them without hurting them or at least hurting them but tough love baby.
so please those of you who know what I'm talking about stop bothering me about my choices of friends. you may bag on me for defending those closest to me but if u were in their shoes I would do he same for you. And instead of turning against those who are getting lost in their teenaged years maybe u could join me in trying to help them. We are not anybetter people by talking shit behind their backs. People make mistakes people are stupid we know that but all the same they have feeling and losing support will further their mistakes not get rid of them.
if u turn your back sure they aren't your problems anymore but that's the easy way out, don't be a coward and take the easy way out

a new kind of hero

where are the playgrounds
where re te smiles
who tells theses children to grow up

future of machines

he walks the silent night
silent only to those
who do not hear the noise
the cries of the children
the children of the dying future
the future of machines

opening addiction

have you ever watched dissapointment
watched the eyes just glaring over
feels like those eyes are digging into my mind
its interesting to feel like the first time you're really look at is when your being judged

happy happy joy joy

from coffee and balloons
to disneyland for a moment

from pkd with the jews
to bombfire with the french

whenever i speak of my birthday i sigh, only becuase well im not a fan.. birthdays only will remind me of my past...
im not trying to sound mysterious or anything
but it was rocky

anyway none the less this birthday was amazing
this birthday was one of the books
not much of a story
many mini stories acually
overall more than i could ever imagine my 18th birthday to be...

everyone i could ever want was there around
even if they werent physically around me the phones calls were enough jsut knowing people rememebered
its cheesy and ridiculous, but it really means so much to me

so heres some stories

the day before or the night before i forgot to set my alarm allowing me to be woken up by stef on the fone then freaking out luckly shes smart and got me coffee in the morning along with reeses! balloons or acaully as far as i saw just one balloon but she claims there to be two anyhow after math im walking through the math hall where the balloon flys away;

later that day i was greeted with a fone call from MAXamus telling me he needs one more person in his car to say hello to his new found boy.... but what he failed to mention was that we were saying hello to this boy at DISNEYLAND. poor omer and bracha with her sad sad numb hand.

i was 86 minutes late to my mothers dinner felt horrible, but luckly it was my birthday s o my mom said it was ok, we went to PKD and saw teh entire jewish community somehow... gotta love pico - robertson


and now at 830 at night we start the bomb fire... btw thursday night was one of the coldest nights.... oddly enough tho not as cold at the acaul beach which took an interesting story itself, we get to dockwhieler we find its closed... luckly the nice security guys let us into a nearby beach. ok so it got shut down around 1 maybe 1:30 not sure. anyhow it was really great,, thank you everyone for comming it ment everything to me.

haha this is a very long thank you note of a blog.

its an Irreplaceable feeling

its an Irreplaceable feeling
the feeling of knowing ur safe
safe with someone who doesnt even know they're protecting you for all those years
the understanding that your were right a long
you were invisible
safe but invisisble.. just below the radar

figuring out how lucky you are to be able to say
you know them
your part of them

its an Irreplaceable feeling
when your able to look around and feel as though youve stepped into a movie
only dont get lost...
dont lose track of the truth
the truth being outside your mind lives the real world
the real world with its ugly slaps of reality
the reality of a life without a planner
no littel book with jots of notes for the future plans
no todo lists written in stone....

finally finals

finals are comming up and im acaully starting to be worried... funny though i was worried about graduating.
ya a couple days ago i wasnt graduating.. but now my counsler informs me i am
should ffeel good but becuase of i now have to do alot more work.
latley though i dont mind work so much becuase it allows me a distraction
a distration from my constant shifting life
think at this point ive gone with the flow so much ive acaully lost my flow
on one side its nice im on my own i love being on my own.. my own rules




finals arent only for school...
ever since people started talking about me turning 18 all theses thoughts started rushing to me head...
ive allways prayed for the day i turn 18
18 is teh day i truly no longer have the burden to call my grandmother.. the grandmother whos caused the fight between families
18 is the day my father can no longer make e feel guilty
as much as those moment were painful they were a part of me.. a part of me which is gone now...

breathe

Deep breath.
Eyes never closed.
Only now I know.
Know of the hell heard.
Heard from those in the songs.
Songs of the heartbreak and the trust.
Trust which seemed so close yet so far.
Far of reach only so easy to see you.
You who showed me the pain in front of me.
Me alone only not when you’re here sitting down.
Down! With whom I was. Down! With past.
Past not now, forgetting who would be nice.
Nice having you there even though.
Though I hurt you confessing.
Confessing real true thoughts.
Thoughts of love.
Love unknown.
Known.

abandoned and restless

what to do what to do..... i know we should crash in a freezing abandonded house.....
i kid i kid.. kinda
no we really did it was quite cool just a close bunch lounging around in a house... sleep was limited but what good night includes sleep

senior year; a crazy year.....





to begin the night though wasa very interesting conversation. a conversation in which i have had before this night. only comming from from someone who has known through my most growing times. she tells me i need to do something for myself she tells me to stop looks so hard and be happy becuase im not.
it hits hard and fast. i cant even fight it its true. i dont entirely understand it.. i dont know where its comming from. im constantly saying i want to leave, go to college. but what if its the same there. what if im jsut not a happy person. there was a time thought. more then just a time.
its scary to feel yourself fall apart and not know how to put things back together. i would know becuase ive been here before and i remember it getting better... and i think all i did was wait it out but since the n ive been trying to become more proactive with my life making it difficult to "wait this out"



you gotta love hollywood giving us many one liners. one which was very useful last night was "you shouldnt be looking for mr. right look for mr. right now" a motto i should follow...
im so used to lookinga failed realtionships i never let myself get inot a relationship without the simple thought of it going somewhere. mr. right is the one thing im scared of. i ahvea plan for my life but its scares me how easily i see myself alone forever. i'll date.... but i will always find something wrong.

hes the wrong guy saying all the right things.
hge doesnt even say them to me anymore i just hear about him saying it.
but im damaged goods.. i cant jsut give it another go so easily.. not to mention the family complications

so theres a rant for a day

my name

If I told you my name you wouldn’t be surprised. It’s a name you would commonly hear. It’s short for Elizabeth and as old as the Elizabeth of the 1600’s. It has the solid meaning of devoted to god or liberator depending on the language it is brought into.
My proud cousin of 43 was born into the name of Elizabeth for whom I can blame for my shortened name. You see my family is devoted to god, their god says no two living members of the same family can have the identical name. I guess devotion means individuality.
You could say it’s appropriate my cousin has become the most religious of all her sisters. And I’m one of the least religious of the family. But I’m still growing they say, its only a phase.
My mother couldn’t have found a better name even with the circumstances. Her back wouldn’t allow her to have a natural blessing so instead she searched for a blessing. She looked far and near, finally a women with a back of a dancer was happy to give me to another woman, my mother who would then name me a liberator. I like to think I liberated both women from some grave loneliness.
Although it’s short and ordinary my mother, my best friend has always been able to find new ways to say it and personalize it. I meet people whose names mirror mine all the time but I know in my heart none can tell a story such as mine. I’m a teenager in every sense of the word. I disagree just to disagree. Arguments will rise and doors will slam but after every crash of a door comes a warm hug just before the lights go out. Good night Lisa.

18 in awhile

im turning 18,
18 without the feeling of new thoughts,
18 with the urge to write
18 with the urge to create
18 with the feeling of being detached to the closest things to me
18 with the hope of a new begining


im turning 18 and this is my gift to myself
a blog
free
but my gift is forcing myself to write everyday
and post my creations

my gift is to give those close to me a link to my life