i spent the last week saying the last goodbye in hellos
i took a walk to ina horribly long walk in this harsh heat we've been having with an old walking partner from pe in my old high school
you now i can say that now "my old high school"
it so strange i no longer go to high school i remember how this seemed like it was going to happen ina million years and here it is
now im leaving california and only realizing as i look at the ocean that we can look at teh ocean bc we are acaully living on one one of the tips of the country i know that sounds like a obvious point
but really think about it its amazing how close we live to the edge of a huge piece of land
i later hung out witha friend from my old english class
always good to talk to that one always good conversation
it alwaysturns to his girlfriend
but it nice to heara bout a healthy relationship
i ended the week with a weekend of hellos with people ive been with all four year
it felt like with some i had jsut met them right there in the nature.. nature with a highway right above us giving us the horizon between reality and dream
right between the two i got huge bricks lifted off my shoulders
i sat for wat felt like a life time with someone i feel as though i have known my whole life and we talked about everthing while tlaking about the same thing
i dont know if that makes sense
but regardless it was amazing everything was fixed
when you know someone fora while things can get tangled and we jsut spent some time untangling theses things
figuring out the path for the future
i can acually leave now knowing everthing is going to be ok
i can leave knowing im not going to leave him behind
i can leave knowng he comming with me in some way

this summer is suposed to be all about closing books and opening new ones
i hadnt felt that ata ll until this week
i ahve closed and open so many news books and as thnk about teh last 4 years i realise is till have many more to get through but i have made the perfect jumping off point

ok theres my input to the wrold for now i knows its been a bit for those who like to check up

but if you live in california really thinka bout that next time u look at the ocean
that the edge right there its the walk way to wat seem like an infinite amount of space until the next large amount of land.

the funny thing with all that is i wrote it on a friday night a shabbas night but .. religion is something different t o everyone...asa religious person you are constanly fight a battle bu by looking down on those who observe the religion supposedly along with you what battle are you fighting exactly.

the temple of a comunity some said would die

i go to temple not only because its asked of me but becuase i theres a sense of comfort. at this moment i cant say that comfort comes from the idea of religion and the structure it builds but the comfort that a comunity can still find time to take a break from their busy seperate live and meet in one place come together all for the same sufaced idea what goes on beneath and that and what goes on in eveyones minds during the singing from silence is something i can not say but i know i feel what they are feeling and i find this to be some of the most beautiful times
there something amazing about this community i ahve come t o here in LA and maybe its the fact that im leaving that i finally see thata gain i did in the begining when i first moved here but it drifted i can already se i ttok it for granted for a very long time
so new plan for the next month i will re-enbrace it!
i know a month isnt too long but its what i got to work with....
hmmm
there it is.. onward!

fallen hero

we all want to be saved
we all want to save that special person
but once that moment comes it must pass aswell
leaving you with what
its all romantic and all
but does that satisfation come only once
do u really only get swept off your feet unexpectantly once
and from there one must settle for the next best thing
do u only get saved once
and from there its only up to you to save the next
and do we only try to save other in order to lose our true selves in the process
while saving you lose sight of your own needs
your own life which may not be as glorious as your current saving or project which is essentially what it tuns into

all your fears are tken away while being saved.
but you have to be taken back to ground or reality eventially
does that make the sky seem like a lie
after your hero bend his his do u feel betryed
or can you honestly say ur glad you lived it while it was there

the minute your hero walks away it turns into a dream
why is pain so much more believable
we save ourselves only to go running back...

things are comming to a close

what do u do when you havea crush on someone who has already crushed you
what do u do when the person whos disiplining you never needed any disipline
what do u d o when regardless of those things everything else is going really well
youve set out a plan for yourself and its acaully folding out regardless of the flaws you take with you
im supposed to want to savor theses last moments
and i am at least im forcing myself to but all i really want to do is get out
all this savoring is really just pissing me off
im an observer and now im starting to feel like im jsut observing everyone around me trying to savor everything
maybe its bc im really done
maybe i dont need as much time as everyone else
my mind lives in the past
but my heart lives in the future
whats left of me in the present

a part of my heart though is in the past
and that where i feel like running all over again

and my mind whos in the future
is constantly being beat on thrown in the gutter

to anyone who tries to keep up with this blog im regret not writing in it more consitantly
but its been a wierd couple of months
everything is comming to its final close
and i dont know what i think

but i do finally know where im living and wat school im going to
so the foundations are there
now i can analyze as i always do
so this blog is officially up and running again for this tortured artist that i like to call myself
but for now excuse me as i vacuum and dust for the guests that are me and my mother